it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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