What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
