She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
