don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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