1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she pinky promised me she was 18
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
