she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
