did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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