Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
