Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize