someone threw a dead crab at me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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