That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Randomize
