I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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