Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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