She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
well you can't waste a boner
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
