your parents love me but you hate me
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
