he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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