I wish i was in the wii world.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
