I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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