I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
