thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
