I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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