I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
