if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
