Apparently you make a good broom.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
