grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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