First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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