before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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