Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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