so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
