There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
