my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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