i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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