took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
