That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
