I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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