Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
