So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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