I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
