Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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