shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
