Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
