Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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