I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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