Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
