3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
look no pants
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
