sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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