Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
