In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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