Your face is a jimmy john
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
His nipple licking is glorious
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