I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
